Stories of Hell and Ponies
by OhJay
Summary: Instead of the chaos pulling Lightning into Valhalla, she ends up in Ponyville instead, as a Pegasus of course. Insanity ensues. Crack, no pairings.
1. I Taken

_**I Taken**_

"Oh my gosh are you ok?"

Lightning groaned as she slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times as they began to focus. For a moment she couldn't recall what happened, but then it all came back to her.

They had just completed their focus, Vanille and Fang had transformed into Ragnarok and saved Cocoon from crashing down onto Pulse. They were both now crystallized, and helping support the crystal pillar that supported Cocoon. Everything was fine, she and Serah were reunited, and she had given Snow permission to marry her younger sister.

But then as the group began walking along and started chatting the sky had darkened, and a thick dark mist rose from the earth. She had been the first one to see it, and shouted to the others to look out, but they didn't hear her. It was like they were all frozen in time.

She had tried to run from it, but she had tripped and fallen and it ceased her in that moment. She struggled, but it was futile. She had been pulled into the dark abyss, and remembered a long falling sensation, and probably passed out along the way.

Blinking at the figures in front of her, she came to conclusion that she must've hit her head along the way a few times. She was surrounded by bright colorful ponies, and a baby dragon.

"Pinkie pie give her some space." The purple one said.

Talking ponies, she was surrounded by talking ponies.

"Well my tail's not twitching anymore!" the pink one exclaimed happily as she began bouncing around the group.

_What the heck does that have to do with anything? _Lightning thought.

Five seconds and she already didn't like this pink pony, Pinkie Pie was apparently her name. She couldn't stand overly happy bouncy cheerful people, or ponies in this case.

_Why the fuck am I surrounded by ponies anyway? _

She had to be hallucinating or dreaming, they were the only possible explanations.

"_Are _you alright?" the orange one asked.

"You gave us all quite a scare..." the white unicorn one said.

"You fell from the sky out of no where!" Pinkie Pie shouted as she invaded her personal space as she sat up.

Lightning glared at her as she continued to stay within a couple inches of her face, resisting the urge to punch the hyper pony. Seeming to get the message, she smiled nervously and took a few steps away.

"Now what exactly happened?" Lightning asked, trying to make logical explanations for everything.

"Um, well we were all having a picnic around here..." a rather shy looking pegasus said softly.

"And then Pinkie's tail started twitching, so we all ran for cover." the dragon added.

"And plop! There you were falling from the sky!" Pinkie finished.

"..."

"You're not much of a talker are you?" the orange one asked.

_I hit my head, then someone took me to a hospital and they drugged me and now I'm having a fucked up dream. _Lightning conclude.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" the purple one asked.

She didn't feel any pain, but stood up and looked around for any wounds. She blinked, noticing for the first time as she looked down that something wasn't right with her.

_Oh hell no..._

She still had her guardian corps jacket and gunblade in her holster, but as she looked behind her she saw that she had two pale yellow wings and a long pink tale. Seeing that there was a fountain conveniently beside her, she looked over into the waters reflection and stiffened. She wasn't just surrounded by ponies, she _was_ a pony.

"Kill me now..." she muttered.

_**Author's Notes**_

Yeah I know, FFXIII and MLP? What's wrong with me? XD Well currently I've been getting up at 4am for work the past few days so sleep deprivation might have a bit to do with it...

ANYWAY, so this is going to be mostly crack/humor, but I'll probably have some serious bits here and there just like the show. My problem right now is I'm not exactly sure where I should go with it right now after the next chapter...

I know I should've thought it through first like I usually do, but meh...Anyone got any ideas they would like to share? ^_^

I

I

I

V

anyone...?


	2. II Summoned

_**II Summoned**_

After banging her head on the base of the foundation a few times trying to make herself wake up from the supposed dream, Lightning sighed and rubbed her now aching forehead. If it _was_ a dream, the pain felt pretty real.

"I don't think she's ok..." she heard one of the ponies whisper behind her.

"I'm fine." she said turning back to them.

They stared at her with raised eyebrows and questioning faces, but then the purple one cleared her throat and introduced herself.

"I'm Twilight Sparkle." she said.

The rest of the introductions followed. The pink annoying one was indeed named Pinkie Pie, the orange pony was Apple Jack, the white unicorn Rarity, the shy yellow pegasus Fluttershy, the rainbow haired one that hadn't spoken before was Rainbow Dash, and Spike the dragon.

"Call me Lightning."

_I can't believe I'm standing here talking to a bunch of ponies..._

It was then when Spike suddenly burped green flames, and a rolled up letter emerged from them and gently fell to the ground. Lightning raised her eyebrow at this, but apparently it was normal since he calmly picked up the letter and opened it, while everyone else gathered around to read over his shoulder.

Shrugging, Lightning began to walk away from the group, not seeing any point in staying with them since she had to find out where she was, why she was here, and how the heck she could get back to her normal sane home.

"Wait!" Twilight said, running to catch up with her with the letter magically levitating beside her. "It's about you!"

"What?" she asked, now interested.

Twilight used her magic to move the letter in front of her, so she read it carefully.

_My dear student Twilight Sparkle,_

_If you or your friends happen to come across a yellow pegasus called "Lightning" please send her to see me in Canterlott immediately._

_-Princess Celestia_

She narrowed her eyes at the note, suspicious of it. Apparently she had been brought here to serve a purpose, but what and why?

"Do you know the princess?" Twilight asked.

"No."

"Then why would she want to see you?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Lightning only shrugged. She couldn't give answers that she didn't have. Thankfully none of them pried, but Pinkie Pie bombarded her with questions on the way from the park, to the train station, and then during most of the ride as well.

"Where did you come from? Those are interesting clothes, what's that thing in the holster? Why'd you fall from the sky? What's your favorite color? Why do you wear a cape? Are you a superhero? Do you like to fly? Does it look awesome when you fly with a cape like that?"

Her eye began to twitch as the pony went on and on with questions and comments, each one getting more and more on her nerves. She had half a mind to shoot her, while the other half wanted to shoot herself.

_I'm in hell..._She decided.

Sometime along the way Lighting just shut everything out of her mind (mainly Pinkie Pie), and was relieved when they finally pulled into Canterlott station, and the pink pony finally shut her mouth. Lightning became aware of the guards once they reached the castle, catching their silent gazes as they stood at their proper posts. All of them seemed to take their jobs seriously, that much was for sure.

They were all allowed to pass without any questions, and were lead to the grand hall where both princesses awaited them patiently, along with a confused looking Shinning Armor.

"Twilie!" he exclaimed upon seeing her, coming forward and giving his little sister a hug.

Lightning smiled softly at the gesture, assuming that they were related and couldn't help thinking about Serah.

"I didn't know you were coming." he said.

"Neither did we."

Princess Celestia calmly cleared her throat, catching every ponies attention. Lightning couldn't help narrowing her eyes at the two princesses, having a gut feeling that they had indeed brought her to this foreign annoying world. She guessed that the taller white one with the light colored mane of many colors was the older one, while the dark blue one was the younger. Both of them had manes and tails that flowed behind them unnaturally, which she guessed was some kind of beauty magic or something silly like that.

"You must be Lightning." Celestia said as she looked over at her, looking a bit troubled.

"Maybe." she said, causing both princesses to frown a bit. "Depends what you want me for."

"IT IS TRADITION FOR ROYALITY TO SETTLE SKIRMISHES BETWEEN THEM WITH A FRIENDLY DUEL BETWEEN A WARRIOR OF THEIR CHOICE!" Luna bellowed in her royal Canterlott voice causing every pony to flinch and get their manes blown back by the sudden noise.

"I'm not deaf." Lightning said when she was done, rather annoyed by it.

There were gasps all around her, shocked at her rudeness to the Princesses, but she simply didn't care at this point.

"If you summoned me for a fight here fine, but I'm still not happy about this." She stated bluntly.

"Hang on!" Shinning Armor interrupted. "Your highness, I'm all for tradition and all, but what is it exactly we're fighting to settle here?"

Both of the Princesses instantly pointed to the glass of chocolate milk sitting on a stool in the corner. Everyone else stared with questioning faces.

"The last glass of Discord's chocolate rain!" Luna explained excitedly. "Very tasty, and unfortunately we haven't come to an agreement to share it."

"Ooh can I have it?" Pinkie Pie asked as she bounced up and down with her eyes shining as she stared at the glass.

"NO!" Both princesses said at once, causing Pinkie to frown as she stopped bouncing.

Lightning however ignored them, and her eye twitched. She couldn't believe the stupidity of it all. However, she knew of a way to solve the Princesses problem without beating the shit out of another pony. Before any of them could say another word, she reached behind her and drew her gunblade with her mouth, and quickly shot at the glass in the corner, hitting her target perfectly and making it shatter into pieces. They all gasped and stared at her, stunned and silenced, while she calmly put her weapon away.

"There, problem solved, now no one gets it." she said coldly.

Luna and Pinkie both looked like they were about to cry, but she didn't care.

"Now send me back to my own world already!" she demanded, growing more irritated and sick of the place by the second.

Luna flinched at her yelling, then glanced around nervously as she began to sweat.

"About that..."She began, making Lightning narrow her eyes at her. "I uh, didn't really think that far ahead so it'll take some time for me to figure out how to send you back..."

Celestia and Twilight both face hoofed at this, while Lightning continued to glare at her and her eye began to twitch.

"So you're telling me, that not only did you summon me to fight over something incredibly stupid. BUT NOW I'M STUCK HERE?!"

Her shouting could be heard through out the entire castle, as well as some of Canterlott.

_**Author's Notes**_

This is pretty much setting the bar of crack level this is going to be. The whole chocolate milk thing was a random suggestion *Shrugs* So I realize it's been like FOREEEEVER since I've updated this…To be honest I kinda forgot about this a couple times *sweat drop* as well as lack of motivation and ideas and blah so this chapter has literally been sitting around un finished for months and was actually going to be longer but I was all meh and just cut it off there so I could freaking update already.

But seriously though, I need ideas _ Season 3 is gonna be starting soon so that should help…Hopefully.


	3. III Life as a Pony

_**III Life as a Pony**_

_"Do you like bananas?" Princess Celestia asked as she reached into her "Banana bag" for her mega phone._

_"Excuse me?" Lightning said raising a rather annoyed eye brow._

_"Do you like bananas? I have bananas over here."_

_"...I'm not interested in bananas, I just want to go home."_

_"So you are a mmm beeyetch that doesn't like mmm bananas?"_

_"...What?"_

_"You're a bitch that's not interested in bananas!"_

_"I don't know where you're going with but you're starting to piss me off."_

_"You're a bitch that's not interested in bananas!"_

_"I'm warning you..."_

_She calmly reached behind her to draw her gunblade from it's sheath._

_"You're a bitch that's not interested in bananas!"_

_She almost had it when suddenly a trap door opened right below her causing her to gasp as she fell into a cannon._

_"Well you're not gonna be interested in any bananas ON THE MOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNAHHHHHH!"_

_The cannon launched without any further warning, sending Lightning flying through the castle and up to the moon. _

_"BEE-YETCH!"_

"What the hell was that all about?" Lightning muttered as she woke up from what had to have been the strangest dream she had ever had. Blinking as she continued to wake up, she couldn't help glancing down at herself hoping that she was human again and being a pony had all been a dream too...Nope. Still the same yellow Pegasus pony as the day before.

Groaning, she buried her face into the pillow, then rolled out of bed. She had yelled at those two Princesses quite a bit yesterday, commenting on how stupid they were and even threatened to kill them both if they didn't solve the issue at hand immediately.

They both promised they would, Luna a bit shaken from the glares and rants, but in the mean time it was suggested that she stay in Pony Ville until a way was found to send her back. Pinkie Pie had immediately invited Lightning to stay with her, and she didn't waste a moment declining. Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack all said they would offer as well, but had no room. The library was too small for another pony, Fluttershy's cottage was absolutely full of animals, and the only spare room for Lightning at the farm would be the barn. Rainbowdash explained that her place was currently to messy for any guests, and Rarity's guest room was now Sweety Bell's room while their parents were away.

However Celestia had arranged for Lightning to stay in a small one bedroom house that was currently both clean and empty, so Lightning had the peace and quiet that she wanted. That much she was at least thankful for.

Trotting over to her bedroom mirror, she noticed her mane was a mess. There was a hair brush on the dresser in front of it, so she gently grabbed it in her mouth and _tried _to take care of it, but after ten minutes of fighting with it she gave up, spit it out, and ended up going to the bathroom, filling up the bath tub, and dunking her head in for a moment and then letting her hair air dry.

_Just to take care of some frizzy hair, this is ridiculous! Stupid ponies!_

Grunting, she moved on to her clothes. During her short walk through Pony Ville and Canterlott she noticed not many ponies seemed to wear them other than a hat or other small accessory, but she didn't care. She was going to hold on what she had left of her humanity no matter what, even if it meant spending almost a half an hour trying to get the belt of her jacket to buckle and her sheath on.

After that she decided that the morning couldn't get much worse...That was before there was a knock on the door.

"Good morning Lightning!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed ever so loudly and cheerfully as she poked her head in when she had answered the door.

_Slam!_

It was WAY to early for this, she didn't care if it hit her in the face or not.

"Ponies..." Lightning muttered as she walked away from the door, only to see Pinkie poke her head in through an open window.

"Should I not use the door then?"

"Or the window!" Lightning yelled in frustration as she shoved the pink pony back then closed and locked the window, along with all the others.

She never would have expected her to come sliding down the chimney too...

"Yay this way's my favorite!"

"Haven't you heard of breaking and entering?!"

"Nope. What's that?"

"Pretty much what you've done now!"

"Well in that case I like it. It's fun!"

Lightning face hoofed, realized that right now she was alone with Pinkie Pie and could probably get away with murdering her and hiding the body, and actually briefly considered it for a moment, but decided against it because she didn't know where she could hide said body since she didn't know the area...

"What do you want Pinkie?" she asked rather annoyed.

"I brought you break fest!" she said as she held out a small covered picnic basket.

"Derpy and I backed together, so here you go; cupcakes and muffins! I also thought I could show you around Pony Ville as your new friend."

"Thanks for the breakfast, but I'll pass on the tour."

Clearly this pony had a death wish if she wanted to spend time with her.

"But won't you get lost otherwise?"

"I'm sure I can find stuff on my own."

"But-"

"I just want to be alone! Is that to much to ask?!"

"Ohhh you're one of of THOSE people..." she muttered, now being the annoyed one. "Alright I'll leave you alone, to do all you're alone stuff and stuff..." she said as she set the basket down and headed for the door. "But we're still friends right?" she asked, suddenly smiling again and dangerously close to Lightning's personal bubble.

"Yes, fine, whatever, as long as you leave me alone." she said as she gently shoved her away with her hoof.

"Okay!"

And with that Pinkie bounced right back out the door, leaving Lightning to sigh. Her goal for the entire time she was stuck in this awful world as a god awful pony was going to be avoiding Pinkie Pie at all costs, she was just to cheerful...

* * *

She had to admit the breakfast Pinkie had brought her was delicious even though it wasn't very healthy. She knew the polite thing to do was thank her when she saw her next, but she didn't _want_ to see her...

After she was done, she decided it was time to try and get to know the area of the town. She acted as if she was on patrol, eying the streets and buildings, making mental notes of their locations by landmark, and nodding to any pony that smiled or waved at her.

She eventually walked by the school house, naturally when the little phillies were just getting out. She kept her distance, not wanting to get bothered by any annoying little children, but as her luck would have it three of them noticed her and dashed up to her at once.

"Whoa! Check out that cutie mark!"

She raised an eye brow, glancing down at the three curious philles before her. It was the orange Pegasus with a dark purple mane that spoke, while a yellow one with a thick magenta mane with a big pink bow and a white unicorn with curly light pink and lavender mane were beside her.

Glancing back to see what they were so entranced at, she saw that it was the mark of her two forms of her gunblade on the side of her plot, apparently it was called a "Cutie mark". She of course had noticed them on all the other grown ponies around and could tell they were all different to the individual, but hadn't really cared enough to ask about them.

"That's so cool!" The orange one spoke again.

"So your talent is with swords and guns? I wanna see!" The unicorn said beginning to bounce up and down excitedly.

"Yeah!" They all chorused.

Those this "Cutie mark" thing apparently had to deal with natural talents...She was a strong trained soldier so it made sense to her that hers would be related to that, but why the hell was it on her ass? Surely there had to be a better more appropriate place...

"No." She said flatly, making their faces fall. "Weapons aren't toys for her show, they're for protection and can seriously hurt someone-somepony." She had to correct herself at the end and tried to calmly walk around the three of them, but they wouldn't let her.

"Pleeeeassse?" The unicorn whined, tears in her eyes.

"We just wanna see so we can get ideas to try and get our own cutiemarks..." The yellow one explained.

They were all giving her pitiful watery eyes and frowny faces, and kept blocking her path when she tried to side step away from them. Of course the thought of trying to fly way didn't occur to her in the slightest.

"Fine, one demonstration then you're all on your way home understood?"

They nodded, now all smiles. She waved them back so they wouldn't be in the way, then reached back and drew her gunblade with her mouth, and transformed it into it's sword form. They of course "Ooohhed" and "Ahhhhed" at this, but she hadn't even started. Spying an apple tree with low branches, she ran at it, then leapt up and performed her trade mark attack "Army of one", slicing and shooting down ripe fruit. Once she was done, she gracefully dropped down and sheathed her weapon, receiving stomping from the three of them in applause.

"That was awesome!"

"I wanna learn how to do that!"

"Yeah that would be an awesome talent!"

"That's all I'm showing you, now go on already."

They chorused a grown, but left her alone as promised and went their separate ways. She sighed, rolling her eyes as she continued her walk, hoping that she wouldn't have to deal with any more of that. They weren't as annoying as Pinkie Pie, but any children still bothered her.

* * *

"Hey Lightning!"

It had been roughly a half an hour since those phillies had bothered her. She had continued her walk around town in peace since, but once her name was called she glanced up and saw Rainbow Dash wave to her as she laid back on a white fluffy cloud.

She once again raised an eyebrow, once again wondering how a pony could sit on a cloud, but reminded herself that this crazy world seemed to have very little logic.

"Wanna join me? If you're not busy that is."

She shrugged. Rainbow seemed like one of the more tolerable ponies she had encountered.

"Just trying to get to know the area."

"You know you that's probably easier from the sky right?"

She blinked, glancing back at her wings.

"Right..." She muttered, forgetting she had even had them.

"You _DO_ know how to fly right?"

"In theory."

Rainbow sighed, and face hoofed, then hopped down from her cloud.

"Come on then, I'll teach you, just don't expect to be as awesome as me."

Lightning of course rolled her eyes at that, but followed her outside Ponyville to the outskirts of the Ever Free forest where they would have plenty of room. She had given her instructions on the way, as well as a few simple demonstrations (and more complicated tricks just to show off). Lightning paid attention silently, but when she began to show off she shook her head, thinking a bit of Snow and his obnoxious attitude.

"Alright, why don't you try now?"

Nodding, she took a deep breath, then jumped in the air as she spread her wings. Rainbow nodded in approval, then watched her as she calmly flew around the area getting used to the feeling.

Lightning loved it. The way the breeze felt through her mane, and how the world looked from above. She was reminded of the rush of adrenaline when she had done her gravity bomb jumps in her Guardian Corps training, but this was so much better.

She immediately wanted to try and push herself, see how flying could be useful in battle. Remembering her little demonstration from earlier, she drew her gunblade then flew towards the nearest tree to see what she could do.

Not the best idea. Once she got close enough to strike, her cape got caught on a branch, yanking her back without warning with a "Oof". The branch snapped moments later, sending her tumbling down, smacking against more branches along the way until she finally hit the ground with a _thud_. She muttered a curse as she shook her head, eye twitching once her gunblade came down and wacking her on the head a moment later.

Rainbow had flown over to her to make sure she was ok, but once she could see that she was fine and just shaking it off and sheathing her weapon once more, she began to chuckle.

"So I guess Lightning struck the tree twice."

She burst into a fit of laughter at her own pun, while Lightning just rolled her eyes. Being able to fly or not, life as a pony still pretty much sucked.

_**Author's Notes**_

God I am just horrible at updating this fic -_- Been slowly eating away at this chapter since season 3 started...

So yes, Lightning's dream at the beginning was based of "Friendship is Magic Bitch" because I just love that video so much and I don't really know why XD

I also have a couple ideas for future chapters (some based on some season 3 stuff) that'd I'd like opinions on before I start coughing them out.

1. Lightning v.s. Alicorn Amulet Trixie

2. Lightning v.s. Discord (Reformed my ass! -_-)

3. Lightning getting dragged into babysitting the twins with Pinkie Pie

And of course any other ideas are more than welcome...Serious I need them if this is going to keep going. And I also apologize for any OOCness in this one...


End file.
